Its been a while since Ive been on this site… a long long time actually… but i feel like writing today and I cant seem to find any paper so this will have to do… Im so lost… lost in life and my career or rather lack of… for the past 4 yrs ive found myself in this same exact spot… again on the web lookin for a place to call my job… a place that will lead me to a happier future… a place that will nourish my needs for adventure and beauty of everything that is life… everything that grows around me… which is all I really want, I am soo scared of the fact that I truly have no idea what I want to do with my life… I mean I love many things but the reality of it all is that the things that I love just wont support me the way I need to be supported… so I kind of find myself givin up on the things that I love because realistically I cant afford them.  I cant afford to nourish them, I cant afford to support them, I cant afford to live my dreams… so what am I left with… nothin! I am left with a little girls unfulfilled dream bc things need to be done! bills need to be paid… and dreams seem to b lost… I am soo disconnected from what  my motivation is now a days that I just feel stuck! stuck in this world with no aspirations to actually do anything.. actually no i have aspirations i just keep losin my motivation bc everything just seems to be soo hard! everything seems soo unattainable it just seems that everything i want is so impossible to get to! when is my moment gonna get here?!?! when am I goin to b the one doin what I want?!? doin what makes me happy?!? feelin some type of stability in my life… thats all i want… is stability! I dont want to have to fear every day and think… what am i goin to face today when I step into the office… will I still have this job when i wake up in the mornin… am I goin to b able to pay all of my bills this month!?? god this is soo hard! this bein an adult shit! y is this so hard??! I thought this was supposed to b the fun times of our lives! shit it covers over 80% of our lives! damn u adulthood!!! damn u!!! I kno its stupid to wish childhood all over again… but shit how i miss it!